Cast A Vote For Gay Marriage!

Well, not really, but check out these two cuties vying for Us Magazine's "Win Your Dream Wedding" contest. The winning couple gets to plan their "celebrity inspired dream wedding," courtesy of Us and WeddingChannel.com. (There's a "Wedding Channel"?) Last year's winners wed in the same locale Demi and Ashton did. Whatev. Our boys have classier plans, of course. Jeffery says, "Matthew wants to have our wedding at The Cloisters in northern New York City. I imagine a lot of tents and a Victorian feel. It's his wedding and all in his head. I am just the lucky guy." Sounds like Matthew's got Jeffery well-trained! Good luck, fellas, and we'll be looking for our invitation after you win!

Breaking News:

Water is wet.

Panic in the New York Senate!

Looks like our gay friends in New York can forget about getting married any time soon. Two Democratic Senators, Pedro Espada and Hiram Monserratte, broke with their party and elected GOP Senator Dean Skelos majority leader, changing the balance of power in Albany.

The marriage bill Governor Paterson introduced last April already passed in the State Assembly, but even before yesterday's late afternoon coup, its hopes of passing the Senate were dim. In addition to Espada and Monserratte (who claim they're still Democrats), two other conservative Democratic Senators, Ruben Diaz Sr. and Carl Kruger make up the "Gang of Four," so-called "independent Democrats" who have quite blatantly courted Republican support since the Democrats won control of the Senate in November. One of the key points of contention the four had with their party was the marriage equality bill. Now that they've handed control of the Senate to the Republicans, it's unlikely it will ever see the light of day.

It seems like such an overreaction, although the push for gay equality is probably only one factor in the four's conflict with their party. Still, drama queen much? Why not just let the bill come to a vote and "vote your conscience"? It smacks of gay panic to us, as if siding with the Democrats makes one look like a fag.

It's interesting to note that none of these politicians is from rural Upstate. Espada and Diaz are both from the Bronx, while Monserratte is from Queens and Kruger from Brooklyn, proving that even the bluest cities in the bluest states can harbor bigots. All of these men use religion to justify their hate, mixing personal religious beliefs with policy making that impacts people of all faiths and none. Monserratte in particular seems ill-suited to the moral high ground, accused of slashing his girlfriend in the face with a beer bottle last December, requiring 20 to 40 stitches. Yes, this is a man who feels he has a right to judge the relationships of other people, and use God's law to justify it.

Remember when Prop 8 passed in California, and the other side told us we had to accept it because it's "the will of the people"? Even though making the civil rights of a minority dependant on a popular vote seems ridiculously flawed and inherently unfair, but that's besides the point. "The people spoke", and we had to accept that. Well, didn't the people speak in New York last November, when they handed control of their state Senate to Democrats for the first time in 44 years? What gives these two men the right to reverse that? Vote these bums out, New Yorkers!

Where Some Men Have Gone Before...

So we finally saw Star Trek on Saturday night. Oh, did you forget that we’re two guys? With all this talk of gal pals and Golden Girls lately, we’d understand if you might’ve forgotten. One of the few stereotypically male traits Alex and Andy share is full-fledged geekdom, although ours is a mixed marriage of sorts. Alex is a confirmed Star Wars fanatic, while Andy is a diehard Trekkie. We’ve managed to blend our differing belief systems, although we admit we’re a little lax in our observances. Who has time for movies? We’re busy; we both have jobs that kick our butts, plus a house to maintain. The Double-A ranch is in lush, green Mt. Airy, and we’ve been trying to get the jungle in our backyard tamed in time to enjoy it this summer. But after almost three full weekends of yard work, we forced ourselves to go on a big gay geek date and see Star Trek.

Exciting, no? Yes, folks, this is what the anti-marriage forces are warning against; if we allow same-sex marriage, two sci-fi nerds might move in next door and start gardening. Hide the children.

Of course we loved the movie, as is the apparent geek consensus, but we might have a different take than most…which is just a clumsy segue that allows us to gush over the hotness that is Chris Pine. We love Zachary Quinto, too. Casting Kirk and Spock for this reboot was essential, and we think they both nailed the homoeroticism the roles called for.

Oh, don’t act shocked. Maybe we are imagining things but so are a lot of other people; the entire genre of slash fiction was started with Kirk and Spock in mind. Besides, there’s a long tradition of reading gay subtext between male protagonists in the geek canon. We didn’t invent the concept.

We admit it’s probably just wishful thinking. Still, we can dream, can’t we? Gays and geeks alike love their icons, so it’s only natural for us to imagine a gay take on a geek classic. We once dressed as the X-Men for Halloween; Alex as Wolverine and Andy as Cyclops. Let’s just say in our continuity, Jean Grey was conveniently written out.

We bring the gay to our other geek pursuits, too. Our Wii is populated by Miis of Karen Walker, Madonna, and Liza Minelli. It’s funny, and it makes for the gayest outfield in baseball. But nothing beats The Sims, the “social simulation” video game where players design and control virtual people (“Sims”), for unabashed gay visibility. We were both hooked when the game first came out years ago, early in our relationship. We found cheat codes online, so we could afford the most opulent mansions for the gorgeous gay male couples we designed. Yes, you can turn your Sims gay by putting a same-sex couple in one house, and program them to sleep in the same bed and be affectionate with one another. The Sims may just be the first officially bisexual video game.

Our gay couples, infinitely wealthy thanks to those cheat codes, were freed from the drudgery of working to support themselves. Maids cleaned their exquisitely appointed, fully-loaded cribs. No back-breaking yard work for them; gardeners saw to the sprawling grounds of their estates. They spent their days working out in their home gyms and their evenings engaging in foreplay in their rooftop hot tubs. They didn’t actually have sex, so we just pretended they were really into frottage and making out. Gay couples couldn’t get married in SimCity back then, but they couldn’t get married in Boston, either. It seemed like progress that we were even allowed in the game at that point.

It was fun for a while, but we grew bored eventually. We haven’t thought of the game in years until we read on AfterElton.com that gay Sims can now get married in the latest version of the game. Yes, it’s true: SimCity has legalized same-sex marriage. We wonder if Mormon Sims are
plotting to amend the SimNation Constitution in response.

In 2004, SimCity effectively legalized civil unions, when it allowed gay couples to be “joined” in The Sims 2. “Joinings” afforded gay Sim couples similar righ-- err…”functions” as straight Sims, but apparently even Sim marriage was deemed too sanctified for gays. With the release of The Sims 3 last week, though, gay Sims can get married, just like straight Sims. Not “separate but equal,” but the same exact thing.

Equality.

In a video game.

Can you blame us for flights of fancy? Yes, now we can experience virtual equality, just like we indulged in virtual wealth and virtual heavy petting. But rather than escapism, we’d prefer the real thing, even if it takes more work to achieve it, and entails more responsibility to maintain. Yes, we’d love an instant payday anytime we punched in a code. We’d love gardeners and maids and, while we’re at it, can we redesign our bodies, too? Make-believe is fun, but we do live in the real world 99% of the time (ok, 85%). Is it too much to expect the same respect given to a video game character?

A Girl’s Best Friend…

It was the first Saturday of the year that you could leave the house without a coat, the kind of day where, if you don't have plans already, you're motivated to make some just to get out of the house. Alex’s sister had called to see what we were up to. Bridie was meeting a bunch of her gal pals in Center City for drinks al fresco, but we had other plans.

“What about Nick? Is he around?”

“He and Dan are coming with us.”

Alex had introduced Nick to Bridie ages ago, and now they had a friendship of their own. Bridie is the type of straight woman who has a lot of gay friends, and not just us and our friends, either. Bridie’s always introducing us to new gays. We joke that we’re all going to vote her grand marshal of the Gay Pride Parade one year. Don't call her a fag hag, though. We hate that term; we have plenty of gal pals ourselves. Bridie is no one's sidekick, anyway.

“Is it an engagement party or a shower?”

“An engagement party, I think. It doesn’t say shower on the invitation.”

Bridie was suspicious.

“What does it say?”

“It says ‘Join us for a celebration of Libby and Thad.”

“It’s a shower.”

There was no turning back; the four of us were on our way there at that moment. Nick and Dan had taken the train out to Mt. Airy, and we were all squeezed into Andy’s car, heading to an alleged bridal shower in Roxborough. Our friend Lola was meeting us there.

“But there are other men going. Well, others invited. I don’t think any of them could make it.”

“Are they all gay men?”

Alex thought for a moment. “Um…yeah?”

“It’s totally a shower. And you guys are the gays!” Bridie then launched into a description of inane shower activities we would have to participate in; wedding-themed word games, strange crafts involving plastic forks or toilet paper, question-and-answer exercises meant to elicit bawdy innuendo about the wedding night. Well, bawdy by the bride’s 80 year-old aunt’s standards. Bridie cheerfully assured us we would be clawing for the exits after an hour of it, if it was anything like the showers she had seen.

Alex still wasn’t sure. After Bridie hung up, the topic was debated among the men. It was noted that Libby was quite liberal and gay-friendly, as was Thad. We knew this because they both endured the collective school-girl crush we all had on Thad (he’s pretty dreamy). Libby was the last person we’d expect to treat us like, well, eunuchs. It's not that we thought we'd be shunned or uncomfortable; we had all met Libby's family at Christmas, when she and Thad were in town from Chicago. They're good people, and a lot of fun. We just didn't know what to expect. Were we really going to a hen party? Were we really going to be…the gays at the bridal shower?

Nick tried to talk Alex down. "Libby's family drinks. There will be plenty of booze." Nick always knows just what to say. Dan wondered if there might be an erotic cake.

It’s not that Alex and Andy are unfamiliar with the rituals of heterosexual marriage. We’ve been to bachelor parties, rehearsal dinners and plenty of wedding receptions. We’ve both played best man. Between us, we have five sisters, and only Bridie remains unmarried. We still feel a little removed from all the hoopla. We want to get married, but for the tax breaks and legal recognition, not a wedding cake with two grooms on top. One day we imagine driving down to City Hall and tying the knot for real, just us and some close friends and family. We’d throw a big, informal party after; dance mix on the iPod and endless booze and food. No hokey pokey, though. We might be unfairly barred from the banns of marriage, but at least it frees us from some of the more rigid traditions associated with it.

Lola was just getting out of her car when we pulled up, but her addition didn’t dilute the gay in our group. We were grateful see her; Lola’s pretty and femme, but deep down she’s really one of the guys around us. We figured she could act as a sort of mole. Lola's seen her share of girl parties, but this was a little different. It was doubtful she'd get anyone's number, and she's hardly the kind of woman who gets excited about making a bridal gown out of a cocktail napkin. Still, she has a vagina. We made her go in first.

Bridie was right. We entered a large kitchen as a dozen pairs of female eyes settled on us. The median age appeared to be well into AARP-membership requirements. Not a Y-chromosome in sight. For a moment it seemed like we might be mistaken for the caterers, or possibly the entertainment. Libby’s mom came right over, though, and greeted us warmly, making introductions to the other guests, who also welcomed us. Libby was ecstatic to see us. Thad was back in Chicago. We boys were it: the lone representatives of our gender.

It was fine. No, better than fine; we had a great time. We didn’t see any games, or at least weren’t asked to participate in them. We found ourselves in the dining room, a bit removed from the gaggle of aunts and elders we walked in on. Some women joined us, then some more, and we men confessed that this was our first bridal shower. Shower horror stories were told. Off-color humor crept in. We had found the other rebel shower-goers! Andy confused one elderly guest when she walked in on a punch line referencing a pearl necklace (jewelry was not the topic) but other than that we blended right in. We weren’t the sideshow, there were cool, smart, funny women of every age, and there was plenty of great food and drink. No penis cake, though.

When we were leaving, Libby hugged us tight. “I’m really glad you came,” she said, smiling at all of us. “I just really wanted you guys here.” Libby knew it wasn’t our typical scene, but she was sure we’d fit right in, anyway. The truth is, we’re not that out of place at a hen party after all.

Weeks later, we were standing in the reception line outside the church. Another tight Libby hug, and kisses on both our cheeks. She looked beautiful.

“I prayed for you guys,” she said. Alex cocked an eyebrow. He saves his prayers for turbulence at 30,000 feet. “One day it’ll be you guys up there.” Libby beamed as she said it, certain it would happen.

We do love our gal pals.

And the card attached would say...

Go turn on Lifetime and tell me what’s on.

I’ll wait.

It was The Golden Girls, wasn’t it?

Now go back and turn on We. You know, We … that new channel targeting gal viewers, yet – like Lifetime – has more gays watching than gals.

Ga’head. I’ll refill my glass while you go check.

Golden Girls there too, right?

I mean just because it’s on like 24 hours a day now, between showings on Lifetime AND We, AND occasionally even Hallmark, and just because I tend to watch it constantly, Alex had the nerve to tell me that I watch the Golden Girls too much.

Too much?

As if there could be such a thing as “too much” Golden Girls.

It’s almost as if he thinks I’m obsessed.

I mean, obsessed would mean I would need to be constantly engrossed in the show. Or do crazy things like text quotes from the current episode showing to Nick or Peter … such quotes as No, I mean I LOVED Big Daddy … or It’s only been a day since you killed Frieda Claxton … or Sonny Bono get off my lanai!

Obsessed would mean I would know the intrinsic details of each character’s life … obscure facts about their fictional families … like how Blanche Elizabeth Hollingsworth Devereaux had two sisters, Charmagne and Virginia, and one brother Clayton. Or that Rose was the adopted daughter of Gunter and Alma Lindstrom, and had sisters Holly and Lilly.

Obsessed would mean that I would lose sleep over the show’s inconsistencies. I mean why didn’t any of Phil’s kids come to his funeral? And just how many kids did Blanche have? Skippy? Doug? Janet? Matthew? Rebecca? Other Rebecca? And if Dorothy was 17 when she married Stan because she was pregnant why are her kids, Kate and Michael, only (seemingly) in their late 20s or early 30s?

And what the hell happened to Coco, the gay cook from the first episode?

Me, obsessed? Oh, no.

But I do need to go. Dr. Jonathan Newman is coming over for dinner, and I hear that later tonight Dorothy will be singing at the Rusty Anchor. And if I stay up late enough I may catch that new book, Vixen, Story of a Woman.

Darth Vader Endorses Same-Sex Marriage!

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